I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. 
So I said Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I don't approve of political jokes. 
I've seen too many of them get elected.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true 
friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing ; If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, 
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," 
now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not 
be able to tell the difference.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, 
but they can in prison?; (good point)

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would 
have started with something called LABOR!; (true!)

Wouldn't you know it..Brain cells come and brain cells go, 
but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten
Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a
teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."; (amen!)